Military humor inside

I saw this on another board I frequent and thought I would post it up here as well, I understand it's an oldie but i'm sure a lot of people haven't seen it yet.


"This is a tribute to the Marine Lance Corporal and their peers alike....

Holy freakin' monkey sh1t LCpl, I'm so glad that you checked in!!! Your an
18yr old World of Warcraft Master that barely slimed your way through boot
camp and now think your the toughest thing since a level 37 dark elf with a
bow staff.....congrat-u-freakin-lations retard you've already made my
shitlist!

Perhaps it's the fact that you checked in 20 minutes late with no shave and
an
HM1 haircut wearing the newly acquired "ChAlphas" uniform that has become so
popular within your nasty LCpl cult. Or maybe it's that your eagles are
flying upside down and your "Welcome to the Corps" ribbon is on the wrong
side of your uniform there genius. Whatever the f#ck it is, know now, that
me and you are about to become best freakin' friends.

Mommy and Daddy are probably under the impression that you are a bad ass
rough and tough leatherneck, eating nails and fighting wars...don't they?!?
Well I know the truth! You're an untested, undisciplined, lying, immature
little weasel who can't even keep a clean room or a squared away uniform.
You'll end up going to medical to get out of PT while simultaneously surfing
the web on "Military Love Links" with a stupid ass screen name like
"MonsterMarine" or "Jarhead4Life". You'll end up with a laminated light duty
chit for some retarded unheard of medical condition while you try to explain
to me "but Gunnery Sergeant, the doc says that my metamusel ligament is
twisted behind my left calf". Whatever b1tch boy...shut your cum dumpster
and get out of my face.

Here's the thing bag nasty, just know that when you get off limp dick
duty....I plan on having your little whiney ass drug through the dirt.
The thought of watching you vomit after half a mile while Sgt Waddle and Sgt
Yarbrough make crude comments about your mothers vagina makes me smile! Then
I'll get some lame ass allegation against me for hazing like I even give a
sh1t...I hope you choke and die on your own vomit.

You'll end up with a DUI or you'll pop on a piss test and give some lame ass
excuse trying to shift the blame while taking absolutely NO responsibility
for your own retarded actions. I can hear it now..."but Gunnery Sergeant,
somebody else cooked the brownies, I didn't know there was any weed in
them". You think I'm stupid? You're the only one here that was born
yesterday sh1t stain. That's because your a useless arrogant LCpl sh1thead.

You'll meet the first skanky, low self-esteem, no self-respect slut that
spreads her Herpa-syphilitis infected legs for you and propose marriage
after the first f#ck. I can already hear it..."things are different gunnery
Sergeant, I really love her and she loves me". The only thing that she loves
are your friends and your paycheck and the only thing that your confused,
inexperienced little dick loves is her nasty vagina...that's it....and
she'll probably have 4 kids from 3 different dads (one of which is still
pending the results of a DNA test on some white trash talk show). You'll
give me some LCpl retarded justification like "Gunny, her kids love me, I
think I'm the first male influence they have had in their lives". That's
because all of the other influences were a lot more intelligent than your
dumb ass. That's good to freakin' go though, here I thought you were freakin'
a nasty, money-stealin skank and here you are the freakin hero....my
apologies, I'll know better the next time around.

You'll buy two 30,000 dollar cars (both of which need rims, TV's, and a
sound systems) or a Hyabusa although you've never ridden in your nasty
little lifetime. And your going to do it all on a 24,000 dollar a year
salary.
Why are you going to do this LCpl sh1t for brains? Because you're a retarded
LCpl that's why. When you get so in debt that you can't pay your rent,
utilities, cable, or credit cards, your creditors are going to find me and I
will be FORCED kicking and screaming to sit down and do a financial
worksheet FOR YOU (which you'll lie on, so it doesn't freakin help you
anyway).

Then comes the DUI...dumbass. You spent your night at the bar, getting
wasted with the boys and trying to cheat on your wife with some out of shape
barracks rat LCpl cult member, while your wife gets railed from behind by 2
of your friends back in the barracks. Now I'm asleep at home when my
annoying phone goes off at 2 a.m and who do you think it is? Yes indeed it's
you, sobbing like the little b1tch that you are, tossed in the drunk tank
and awaiting me to bail you out....now I gotta call the Master Sergeant to
explain why my leadership failed you. I hate you Lance Corporal....I hate
you!

$12,000, two lawyers, a divorce, and two repo-ed cars later, I see you
smoking a cigarette with your fellow freakin' failure LCpl cult members out
at the smoke pit.....complaining about how the Corps fucked you, how you
gotta pay child support, your credits fucked cause you got NJP'ed and lost
money, how you're an alcoholic and how you blame it all on PTSD although
your retarded ass has never deployed. I hate you Lance Corporal, I freakin
hate you with all my heart. The fact that you wear the same uniform as me,
grinds against my very being. The fact that I have to walk you through life
like you're a baby who's learning how to talk, makes me bitter with rage. I
wish I could kick you in your freakin' teeth. I wish I could kick you out
into the street to find your own way and watch you fail at life without the
big brother baby sitting Corps.

You can thank Mothers Of America, which mommy is probable a proud member of,
along with some liberal faggots for preventing me from breaking your ass
down shotgun style and taking a ratchet to your skull while beating some
d@mn sense into your brain housing group...because lord knows I fantasize
about that ALL day! One day LCpl...one day."

What a complete an utter waste of my freakin' time and brain cells. I was not impressed and the whole thing was stupid.

S7 K1ll3rKlown wrote: What a complete an utter waste of my freakin' time and brain cells. I was not impressed and the whole thing was stupid.

I was mildly amused.

Everything here applies to every newbie Sailor, Army guy, Air Force , blah, blah, blah... Ever see Officer and a Gentleman? They even wrote a movie about the barracks rats that hang looking for new privates/officer candidates to take him to the bank.

*yawn* Why they made this Marine Corps specific?

---> If you can't beat 'em, join 'em..but when you can't beat 'em or join 'em...talk about 'em

hahaha.

dont fret klown, most new army privates are like this too.

in fact i have a few of them in my squad right now!

S7 K1ll3rKlown wrote:Everything here applies to every newbie Sailor, Army guy, Air Force , blah, blah, blah... Ever see Officer and a Gentleman? They even wrote a movie about the barracks rats that hang looking for new privates/officer candidates to take him to the bank.

*yawn* Why they made this Marine Corps specific?

---> If you can't beat 'em, join 'em..but when you can't beat 'em or join 'em...talk about 'em

True indeed sir this does apply to every newb military person, I would hope anybody who had been in for more than a day would pick up on that. I am not the author of this post I simply copied it over here from another board. One question though what are ChAlphas? I've never heard that one before.

No such thing...there is charlie and Alpha.
They are similar except charlies are the short sleeve version of alphas (green coat/ long sleeves).

Is this to be mistaken for a credible ass chewing? Noobs. It was more an art form in the early 70s. Those were the days.

The ass chewing is weak but the situations were pretty accurate.

Air7Cav wrote:Is this to be mistaken for a credible ass chewing? Noobs. It was more an art form in the early 70s. Those were the days.

More of a rant than an ass chewing, Hell I still got wall to wall counseling when I was in and that wasn't all that long ago......